SPLINTER OF THE MIND
“What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.”
— Morpheus, The Matrix
I‘ve been slowly getting my life back into some semblance of “order” lately, though this hasn’t been an easy process. A steady combination of caffeine and nootropics from GamerSupps has helped me maintain mental clarity, which is imperative given how erratic my sleep patterns have been. I feel like I’ve been thinking more clearly than I’ve ever processed thoughts before…
…but it feels like something is missing nevertheless, and I cannot fathom what.
I feel like my mind is a curious little cat scratching at one of the inner doors of perception, waiting for the door to open. What door am I scratching at? What would happen if I were allowed ingress?
What great awakening am I possibly on the verge of?
Yesterday, I felt I had stumbled upon a major revelation… but now, I can barely recall what I was thinking about. Was it something about the content of the novel I’m writing? Was it the possible move elsewhere, that I’ve been considering lately? Was it something deeper, spiritually or philosophically, than that? What could it be? What could it be?
Meditation and mindfulness coach Bev Janisch refers to this feeling as “soul hunger”: “a deep, often unspoken yearning for meaning, purpose, and connection,” a persistent feeling that something is missing from our lives. Is this what I am feeling now? Janisch defines this as a critical disconnect between the personality and the spirit. She outlines the following ten symptoms of soul hunger:
- You constantly feel restless or dissatisfied.
- You are drawn to new ideas and perspectives.
- You experience a deep longing for meaning or purpose.
- You often feel emotionally, psychologically, or physically drained.
- Meaningful synchronicities keep appearing around you.
- You feel disconnected from yourself and/or others.
- Your past methods of coping no longer work.
- You crave more solitude and reflection.
- Your intuition is stronger than it has been before.
- You sense that some form of transformation is coming or already unfolding.
Janisch recommends plenty of meditation, reflection, journaling, and listening to your body. Having experienced all ten symptoms recently, I have begun this process in earnest.
Empress Kitten was worried when I spoke to her of this. She believes I was likely having a manic episode… and I cannot discount that possibility. Bipolar Disorder — even its “milder” cousin, Bipolar II — can lead your mind astray in some astonishing and confusing ways. In all honesty, this makes me question many of the spiritual experiences I have had in the past, but I press on nonetheless. Perhaps with prayer, meditation, and proper spiritual and psychological counseling, I can figure this thing out.
I feel like the foolish man that Yeshua spoke of in James 1:23-24 (ESV):
“For if anyone is a hearer of the Word [of God] and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.”
Lord, what am I missing? What am I not doing that I should be doing?
I must pray and meditate on this…
SOUNDTRACK:
“Something in the Way” by Nirvana
